Session Report: Blood Bowl, Cash ‘n Guns, Piece o’ Cake

Welcome to the first Annual Fun League Tournament, held in Wigan, England…..

The Red Duke was conspicuous by his absence from the first Annual Fun League Tabletop Tournament, made obvious when his lackey; booncabal76 shuffled into the venue, fashionably late and ringpiece bleeding from the Duke’s ministrations. Was he afraid of being pummelled (in a non-sexual way)?

A team unafraid of a right royal pummelling were the Badford Bandits, goblin team extraordinaire and seeing them ‘in the flesh’ as it were, was a liberating experience. Coach flotsamandjetsam played them in true goblin manner; i.e. he lost miserably 3 times but slaughtered as many opposing players as possible in a frenzied orgy of bloodletting that had hoots of laughter and spectators from other games craning their necks to survey the carnage.

Coaches from top left in a clockwise order: flotsamandjetsam, Bad Man, Wilgut Spleens, GMax101, Andy (non-Fun Leaguer), Coach_McPloppy, booncabal76

Best game of the day was his game against the Slippery Devils coached by non-Fun League member Andy, a mate of mine I roped in to make up the numbers, and he obliged in style by fielding a snotling team. The game against the Bandits was epic as the Devils only needed a 3:1 ratio of players to get a 2-dice block. The snotling side-step caused mayhem and the body count rose as Troll, Ogre and chainsaw maimed players aplenty. Somehow the snotlings won.

They then went one better by pulling off a famous victory against Wilgut Spleen’s Norse team. Wilgut had a bad day, and he vied with booncabal for the number of times a coach could utter “This game is shit”. Wilgut won that particular contest, but boon said it with more feeling, especially during the match against Mongoloid Rape Inferno, a wood elf team that had previously struggled, losing to Bad Man’s undead and drawing with GMax’s weird Skaven/Rat crossover (It’s not legal I tell you!).

“I can’t do the maths!” wailed boon as wood elves surrounded his ball carrier. boon’s brain crumbled under the pressure of working out how many blocking dice were needed for each block. “I can’t play without the computer!!”.

It didn’t stop him taking the lead however, but he was the architect of his own downfall. Almost every turn I called for illegal procedure as he forgot to move the turn marker, in spite of him writing it on his hands (yes people, he had to write “Turn” on each hand, and he still forgot!). This repeated mistake gave the wood elves all the rerolls they needed to pull off their passing plays; including a crazy dodge into tackle zone, pick up ball, long-bomb to elf in 2 tackle-zones, dodge away, hand-off, score manoeuvre. It was glorious and boon started to swear. This put his team 3-2 down after being 1-0 and 2-1 up and the light faded from his eyes like a decapitated golem.

This game could have won him the tournament. He’d started with two victories but at 3-2 he became careless and tried to pass the ball around. Cue a scattered pass and an easy TD for the elves for 4-2. “I hate this game” he whimpered in his camp Geordie accent.

GMax101 was another coach who had a mixed day. Trailing 2-0 at half time in his game against the wood elves, a cunningly placed trampoline trap catapulted the elf thrower through the air and a badly rolled landing left him in a crumpled heap allowing the weird Rat/Goblin team to pull one back. To my dismay they then started to punch my elves into small bl**dy shards and ran in an equaliser near the end virtually unopposed as the elves lay scattered far and wide.

GMax then lost to boon’s undead but finished his day with a costly victory against the Badford Bandits, with the gobbos leaving a pile of Skaven casualties and a fatality. The Bandits’ coach, Mr. flotsamandjetsam claimed a moral victory for the goblins, arguing that casualties were the true method of keeping score. Ahh, in an ideal world……

Wilgut as previously mentioned fielded a Norse team and vied with boon for the “this game is sh*t” utterance contest. Wilgut won as his team went down to boon’s undead, Coach_McPloppy’s Norse and then embarrassingly to Andy’s snotlings. Have you ever seen a fully grown man sobbing as a living carpet of snotlings pulverise his downed werewolf? Well, you missed a treat ladies and gentlemen. Wilgut duly obliged and the tears flowed freely, making the pitch even more slippery for his hapless Norsemen.

My lovely wife made a veritable mountain of food, and despite being a bunch of fat pigs, the Funleaguers failed miserably to polish it all off, resulting in a confrontation:

Me: I had to throw some of it away
Wife: Why? Didn’t they like it?
Me: Yes, there was too much food for the pansies that are Fun League coaches
Wife: Don’t lie to me scum! Get under the stairs and stay there until I see fit to free you.

At least I had the uneaten lemon cheesecake all to myself.

With cream!


Bad Man was playing well with his undead. The fact that we started with all players on 5 spp meant that after he crushed the Badford goblins in the first game, his newly levelled-up players were all dodging-blocking murderous monsters, and they butchered my elves in the second game. My continual calling for illegal procedure only served to enrage Bad Man, and more than once he called me names with such vitriol they cannot be repeated here for fear that you, dear reader, faint dead on the spot.

Health and safety is paramount in Fun League.

Except on the pitch. Where Bad Man’s undead death machines were ripping the limbs from my woodies. One reroll just wasn’t enough against these thugs. Kicking off the second half at 1-1, I got a blitz on the kick off table, only to fail miserably trying to go for it. All my elves then got punched. The ones still alive tried to dodge… and failed. By this time the undead had moved the ball to within TD range and my elves were still all lying, bleeding on the line of scrimmage. It was only a matter of Bad Man grinding out the rest of the game after duffing up my Wardancer, and going over at the death to win 2-1.

Coaches from top left in a clockwise direction: Andy (non-Fun Leaguer), Coach_McPloppy, booncabal76, flotsamandjetsam, Bad Man, Wilgut Spleens, GMax101

Whilst all this was going on, Coach Mc_Ploppy was quietly racking up the points and the touchdowns with his Norse team. First he crushed Andy’s snotlings and then slugged it out with Wilgut’s Norsemen in a game dubbed by GMax as “The Battle for Asgard”. Wilgut duly capitulated as if he was playing with Cillit Bang leaving Mc_Ploppy in a healthy position in the table.

His last game against Bad Man proved to be decisive. After two games the coaches with two wins and 6 points were Mc_Ploppy, Bad Man and booncabal76. Mc_Ploppy v Bad Man proved to be decisive. They ground out a draw, leaving Mc_Ploppy on top of the table on TD difference. Boon’s last game was still being played, but we all know he ballsed it up royally against my woodies, and duly handed the title to Coach_McPloppy and his heroic team: Norse Code.

Congratulations to Coach_McPloppy!!

GMax, Bad Man and McPloppy then headed for home, a long drive ahead of them. The others were staying over however and we played various games long into the night culminating in us all pointing guns at each others heads. Worry not dear reader, it was merely a game of Cash n Guns. I wish I had photos of us all blowing boon’s head clean off his shoulders, but I am an imbecile and took just 2 photographs all day, which I am extremely gutted about.

Andy then pulled out this bizarre game about making and eating cake.

It’s 2am, elsewhere people are gambling for vast quantities of money in drug-fuelled orgies involving expensive hookers and high-powered weaponry. What are we doing? We’re playing Piece o’Cake. “Ooooh!!” shouted Andy, “there’s a game-changing piece of coffee”. Eh? What? Somebody save me from this madness!!!

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