Fun League Annual Blood Bowl Tournament

It was that time of year again, when the great and the good from congregated in sunny Wigan, England, to kick seven shades of living hell out of each other.

The weekend started early with nobby catching a train at 4am on Friday morning to get to Wigan by 8am. I think he was keen to see The Hill. He spent the morning skulking around the industrial wasteland that is The Jewel of The North until I managed to drag myself away from work and cart him off to the relative safety of my reinforced nuclear lighthouse where we watched the mighty Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen sweep exquisitely to another masterful victory in House Gift.

We were soon joined by Fatboy and Beefburger and proceeded to play various games of cut-throat mayhem such as Citadels (where we picked on nobby), Kakerlaken Poker (where we picked on nobby) and Small World (where we picked on nobby). Nobby went to bed and posted messages on the forum from the pillow he was crying into that he was never playing games again with us because we are big meanies.

The little ponce.

The day of the tournament dawned bright and fresh and we headed to the club laden with food prepared by the lovely Mrs.VALIS. Despite only having to come from Bolton, Radar was late. Presumably because they don’t let scum over the border into Wigan and he had to bribe his way in by offering his slack bottom to the ugliest of the border guards. (By the way Radar, I am holding your B*lt*n W*nd*r*rs pen to ransom. Its evil burns my flesh when I touch it and it’s stinking out the house).

Wilgut Spleens pulled out at the last minute much to nobby’s dismay (insert your own anal sex joke here), leaving us with an odd number of coaches, and despite me spending an age cutting out Dungeonbowl tiles (for a 3-player game) and despite me being in charge of this sorry-ass league, the peasants overruled me and insisted we play a dummy team. Damn you democracy, damn you to Hades.

Yes folks, a dummy team. The coach bottom of the rankings would play against a 1000TV Lizardman team with zero inducements coached by whoever was free at that particular moment.

First to play the dummy team were the My Amy Dolphins, coached by Fatboy. The Dolphins ran out 3-0 winners due to the fact that boon used up the lizard’s re-rolls trying to do things such as: move. When I took over there were no re-rolls left. “I cannae unnerstan da rools” he wailed in his camp Geordie accent.

Indeed, he was struggling in his own game against his mate Bruce. The Oldcastle Bolt Throwers were doing their usual underperforming, this time against a rookie orc team coached by a lunatic who hadn’t played the game since 2nd edition, 20 years ago. The Bolt Throwers fans were calling for boon’s head as the Red Duke lobbed another pass into the back of the stands but somehow they turned it around and equalised right at the end of the game. Then it was all hands to the pump as they comically tried to defend the Green Machine’s last couple of turns, but they couldn’t hold on and Green Machine went over again to win 3-2.

Another team struggling were the Lancashire LoveBombs. They started confidently against Andy’s Accident & Emergency snotlings – who had a million and a half in inducements – scoring early on through star catcher Excession Inversions, whilst all the snotlings that were thrown either ended landing on their teeth, or in the crowd. But then a succession of Fireballs, potions, a wand of smashing and various other special inducements saw the LoveBombs crack and an Ogre hurled a snotling far enough downfield that he could scamper in for the equaliser. The LoveBombs soon scored again, once more through Excession Inversions, and just managed to hold out by forming defensive lines in front of the advancing ogres, who contributed to their own downfall with numerous failed bonehead rolls.

The Ankh City Watch lined up against Rotten to the Core F.C., who were looking strangely like a Chaos team rather than the Nurgle ruffians they are. The Watch made light of them however with super catcher Nobby Nobbs running in two touchdowns to win 2-1 and leave their coach boasting about how pretty he was.

The little ponce.

Round two saw the Watch’s good start come crashing down around their ears as they were utterly marmelised by the LoveBombs. Catcher Nobby Nobbs was booed off the field due to his sheer incompetence as the sexy Woodies danced around their lumbering human opponents to take an early 2-0 lead. Not satisfied with the difficulty level, LoveBombs coach VALIS decided the ball should be given to the treeman, and Feersum Endjinn duly sprinted up the field leaving crushed humans in his wake. A few GFI’s later he was inches short of the end zone when he was finally caught by a gang of those pesky humans and a 1-die block resulted in defender down causing Feersum to fall crashing into the end zone, dropping the ball in the process. GUTTED! The fans threw the ball into no-man’s land and it was a simple matter for the LoveBombs to pick it up and pass to score. 3-0. Game over.

Prince Featherhands was having a stormer of a game for the Bolt Throwers as they had at it, toe-to-toe with Rotten to the Core. RTTC coach Radar was, let us say, flummoxed, at Featherhands’ sheer audacity in breaking free from the tentacled embrace of Oiliak of Muck, his beast of Nurgle, dancing through numerous tackle zones, picking up the ball in another TZ and dancing away through yet more TZ’s along the touchline within grabbing distance of the fans and then deep into the backfield. Boon urged his star man to go for it and promptly rolled a 1. Featherhands slipped, splattering his nose all over the floor and the ball bounced free. Radar, in true Fun League spirit, was far from gracious: “Serves you right for being a greedy cunt” he intoned. The two teams proceeded to go at each other hammer and tongs, but neither could make a significant breakthrough and the game ended 2-2.

Bottom of the league snotlings Accident & Emergency could only manage a 1-1 draw against the dummy team, which was surprising given the skill of their coach, Andy to frustrate with the little green punks, whilst at the top, My Amy Dolphins ran out 3-1 winners against Green Machine leaving the Amazons top of the table and only needing a draw in the final to clinch the title.

Round 3 was merely jostling for position for all but the top two teams and the final whistle in the Oldcastle Bolt Throwers v Accident & Emergency game saw the Bolt Throwers’ coach, booncabal76, dragged into the centre of the pitch by the fans and beaten to a bloody pulp with his own dildo. Why? Because a 2-2 draw against snotlings wasn’t enough to pacify them in the wake of another dismal tournament showing. Rumours that the team are disbanding for good have yet to be substantiated.

“Sam Vimes you are a fucking cunt!” shouted nobby. The Ankh City Watch weren’t having the best of times against Bruce’s Green Machine and nobby’s vile outbursts were punctuated with Bruce’s celebratory exclamations and air punches. (Politically incorrect) Quote of the Day goes to this game:

Nobby: “Vimes is shit. He’s rolled a 1 three times in a row trying to pick up the ball, he just can’t pick it up”
Bruce: “He’s got MS”

Radar took full advantage of playing the dummy team, elevating Rotten to the Core F.C. to 3rd place thanks to a crushing 4-1 victory and some kind results elsewhere. Star rotter Ghaartigors continued with the fine form he’d shown against the Bolt Throwers and ran the proceedings with ease.

The final was between the top two teams, namely My Amy Dolphins and Lancashire LoveBombs. TD difference meant the Amazons needed just a draw to secure the title but coach Fatboy made a tactical error by opting to kick to the elves who scored within a couple of turns. 1-0 LoveBombs. The receiving Dolphins then failed to adequately protect the ball and a couple of prods from the Woodies saw it bounce free and the LoveBombs sprinted away for a 2-0 lead. Somehow Fatboy managed to fluke a Touchdown before halftime leaving his Amazons in a good position at the start of the second half, 2-1 down but receiving.

“Illegal Procedure!” I called.
“But I didn’t move it”
“But you touched it”

Even though Fatboy had technically started the play, as Commissioner of this god-forsaken bag of shit I had to back down. Even worse, I had to back down graciously. I was seething inside like a little girl deprived of her Barbie and panicking thinking that Fatboy would equalise and take the title.

“Illegal Procedure!” I shouted
“I’ve moved the turn marker”
“………..oh yeah”
“I’ll have a re-roll for that”

I was starting to hyperventilate, but I refused to show it. I went to the toilet to calm down, but more importantly to take Nuffle’s sweaty schlong into the back of my throat and gobble like the Tabletop Tournament Title depended on it.

Nuffle is a just and merciful master. The Dolphins once more failed to protect the ball and it was poked free for sexy Wardancer Jennifer Morgue to pick it up and hurtle for the endzone. Wait! What’s this? There’s a wizard on the sidelines with Jenny in his sights, lightning bolt on his fingertips. Fatboy rolled the die.



Jenny ran in to make it 3-1 and the LoveBombs’ fans invaded the pitch in sheer delight, hoisting Jenny aloft and parading her around the end zone.

There wasn’t much time left for the Dolphins to equalise; they did summon a consolation TD from the depths of their despair, but it was too little too late and the LoveBombs carried home their trophy (a pink dildo donated by boon – more of that later) and a copy of Space Hulk: Death Angel.

We polished off some more grub and it being only 10pm, we cracked open some games, the night was yet young. First was Mow, some crazy-ass fly-collecting game of Andy’s that required knowledge of the order of numbers. That is all. Do you know whether 2 comes before 4 or after it? You do? Oh good, put it in the relevant place on the table.


Not there either!!

Jesus, this league has some dumb creatures.

Next we played the best game ever: Kakerlaken poker. A simple bluffing game where psychological mind tricks come to the fore. Well, they would if this lot had anything that would remotely constitute a mind. Radar transported his usual Wigan Wargames vendetta against me to Fun League and proceeded to try and crush me, with some considerable success, whilst Bruce sat there with a look of pure puzzlement upon his countenance. The aim of the game is NOT to collect sets of animals, and the fact that scorpion cards were all yellow, but each picture of a scorpion was unique puzzled nobby. He was collecting quite a set and almost burst into tears:

“But they’re not the same!” he wailed.
“Yes, but nobby, they’re all scorpions”
“But they’re not the SAME!!”

The little ponce.

Next to go all girly was boon. We broke out Cash $ Guns and he squealed “Oooh I love this game, it’s my favourite, like, ever” in his camp Geordie accent. Then he piddled his pants when we all pointed a gun in his foetus-like face. Suffice to say that as the Fun League Tabletop Tournament Champion 2011, the punks decided that they would blast my head off in both games. The first was won by boon, and the second by fatboy after boon had a mini-sulk.

Why? Well, there are special cards that allow you to do unique things like threaten everyone with a grenade or use two guns, Max Payne style. Boon pulled the card that let him do the washing up in marigolds (or something) and he threw a wobbler and pointed his gun at his own head.

Next up was Dixit, which to be honest freaked everyone out. “Venomous Blowjob” said boon. “Anal Sex” said Bruce. Enough said.

Lastly we decided to conquer the universe with a game of Cosmic Encounter. By this time I was too tired to remember what went on. Suffice to say, boon was still sulking and wouldn’t get involved in our intergalactic battles. And then he won the game.


We said our farewells and headed home at quarter to five in the morning. Nobby was staying at mine and the fool in his honesty told me that boon’s pre-lubed dildo had been hidden amongst my things. So I put it in his shoe and in the morning told him Joann would kill me if it was left around the house, so he departed on public transport with the offending sticky love-toy in his coat pocket.

He was most unhappy.

Honesty does not pay.

I hope he got searched by the police.

Results in full:

Round 1:

Ankh City Watch 2-1 Rotten to the Core F.C.
Lancashire LoveBombs 2-1 Accident & Emergency
Oldcastle Bolt Throwers 2-3 The Green Machine
My Amy Dolphins 3-0 Dummy Lizards

Round 2:

Ankh City Watch 0-3 Lancashire LoveBombs
Rotten to the Core F.C. 2-2 Oldcastle Bolt Throwers
My Amy Dolphins 3-1 The Green Machine
Accident & Emergency 1-1 Dummy Lizards

Round 3:

Final: My Amy Dolphins 2-3 Lancashire LoveBombs
Ankh City Watch 2-2 The Green Machine
Oldcastle Bolt Throwers 2-2 Accident & Emergency
Rotten to the Core F.C. 4-1 Dummy Lizards

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