The Lantern of Fiery Death or My Wedding Anniversary

This is how a sky lantern should work

If you know of a little old lady who opened her front door sometime over Christmas and her eyeballs popped and dribbled down her face as she was consumed by a raging fireball, can you pass on my apologies?

I purchased some sky lanterns to commemorate my wedding anniversary as it was the only thing lacking from our wedding due to health and safety regulations (we had Father Christmas, a Scalextrix, a Wii and a large craft table ‘for the kids’) and my wife was duly happy that I had made such a purchase to make-up for the omission from our Big Day.

Anyway, we had our usual quiet meal at home and prior to a few gentle board games to finish the evening, came the moment to light the lantern and make a wish for the coming year. We went outside and lit the paraffin beneath the lantern.

As it started to fill with hot air, liquid flames began to drip on the floor, and where it hit the ground it made a pffft-pssst sizzling sound with accompanying blue flashes.

This obviously wasn’t right, but as I tried to wrestle with the bloody thing as it rapidly expanded with hot air to try and rectify the fuel problem, I could see that there was no way I would be able to extinguish the paraffin, it was fizzing like mad and dribbling flame in an alarming stream.

Just then, the wind caught it and it keeled sideways (with me holding it), the side of it caught fire and

this happened:

The heat was too intense so I had to let go and it rocketed into the sky dripping fiery molten death over the neighbours gardens and got caught in a nearby tree.

At this point my wife began to panic, but it was far too cold and wet for the tree to burn (I hoped). The conflagration however seemed to have different ideas, and was merrily engulfing the tree. Still dripping blue flames it had by now become a massive fireball. I was starting to consider ringing the fire brigade.

Just then the wind took it, and the huge ball of burning doom rose swiftly into the air and disappeared over the rooftops, liquid blue fire raining down from its molten core.

Somebody somewhere probably got maimed beyond all recognition.

Happy New Year.