A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away……

Resided the biggest bunch of nerds in the universe. They were the Wigan Wargamers, and this is their Christmas story…

It started with a young Jedi…..

Darth 1

Who boned a beautiful princess……

Princess 1

And from this vile and unholy matrimony a young warrior was born…..

Luke 1

After the princess died of cake-related arterial clogging, the young warrior was sent away. If there is a bright centre of the universe, he was sent to the planet farthest from….

Mos Icely

Indeed, it was a shit hole. The Jedi went mental with grief after the death of the princess and built an orbital battle station with the power to destroy planets. As you do.

Death Star

And to cut a long story short…….

Darth 2Luke 2

And so began the Wigan Wargames Christmas Games Day, yes, we were re-enacting the Trench Run at the end of Star Wars Episode IV. The plans provided by Princess Leia showed the Death Star had a weakness, a small thermal exhaust port that needed shooting with photon torpedoes after manoeuvring down a trench pursued by tie-fighters and being shot at by turbo lasers.

Piece of piss.

It wasn’t long before the Rebel Alliance were swarming all over the Death Star, they didn’t have much time before it would clear the planet and be able to shoot the rebel moon (why they didn’t just shoot the planet and cause the moon to spiral into the sun is anyone’s guess, I suppose Darth’s brain overheated inside his helmet).


With turbo lasers blasting around his ears, Wedge valiantly dived into the trench with a Y-Wing and a shieldless X-Wing in support. Hot on his tail were the filthy Imperial Bastards.


Wedge flew heroically down the trench, blasting virtually all of the turbo lasers into smithereens as he went, the Y-Wing keeping that Vader character at bay with some strategic Ion Cannon shooting and the other X-Wing sacrificing itself so Wedge could get a shot in on the thermal exhaust port. With some expert dodging at the end of the trench (a double dodge roll to relief and cheers) Wedge Target-Locked the exhaust port.


This is the point where the evil Imperial scum, Vader and the Emperor (AKA Andy and Alex), decided to introduce some kind of dexterity shenanigans into the proceedings. The force was not with me and my photon torpedo flick didn’t even reach the exhaust port.

“It’s a hit!”

“Negative, negative, it just impacted on the surface. After plopping out of the barrel like a curry turd.”

Wedge, you arsehole.


The battle raged on upon the surface of the Death Star, and Luke Skywalker was next into the trench with two more rebel ships in support. Thanks to Wedge the turbo lasers were mostly all out and the support ships bobbed and weaved to allow Luke the space to get away down the trench. Vader was in no mood to be denied some rebel blood and blasted the support ships into fragments, their pilot’s corpses spinning in the vacuum and crashing wetly against the Death Star toilet windows, disturbing a stormtrooper as he curled out a brown one whilst perusing a copy of Reader’s Droids.


The force was not with Luke and his photon torpedoes demolished a turbo laser rather than blowing up the Death Star. He exited swiftly to the surface where the battle still raged.

“We’ve analysed their attack strategy,” said a lackey. “And there is a weakness, shall I make your escape ship ready?”

“In our hour of victory?” scoffed Martin. “I think you overestimate their chances.”

What an idiot!

Despite being an idiot, Martin was thinning out the Rebel forces with great efficiency (thanks to an inexhaustible supply of Tie-fighters) and the Rebels decided to make their remaining attack runs at full throttle to keep the fighters off their backs (and burn up their shields in the process).


First into the trench was Porkins (AKA Craig) whose shooting was as abysmal as the rest, but then Ste entered the trench and with unerring accuracy (!) from point blank range, he sent his photon torpedos right up the Emperor’s pipe.

Stitch that you Imperial bastards!

It was an excellent days gaming made fun by the lads at Wigan Wargames and their special Death Star boards. Cheers lads! You can see Craig’s video of the day here:

Readers Droids

One Comment to “A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away……”

  1. I wouldnt mind running down her trench!!

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