Risk: Legacy. The Founding of a New Earth (spoiler free).

Risk LegacyIn 2128, after years of global warfare, theoretical physicists joined together with astronomers, engineers, and particle physicists to announce a breathtaking breakthrough: the ability to create new Earths.

Instead of warring over ever-scarcer resources and ever-diminishing supplies, factions and populations could transport to a verdant Earth, untouched by humans.

With great fanfare, the colonists departed for the first earth clone created, ready to leave war behind.

It took two months for the first battle to take place.

And so it was that five great leaders strove to take command of this New Earth, for only one of them could bring peace.

Peace through superior firepower:

Archduke Alan the Mighty, Warrior of Light. Banisher of Evil. Henceforth referred to as: Yours Truly.

William “Blaster Bill” the Conqueror. Ruler of Pain, Devourer of Hope. Henceforth referred to as: Will.

Zanfus the Wizard, Controller of Fate and Foul Henchman of the Apocalypse. Henceforth referred to as: Zanfus.

King Darren of the Beard, Venom of the Beast. Hirsute Master of Destiny. Henceforth referred to as: Darren.

Merciless Martin, Monarch of the Mouldering. Eater of Worlds (and pretty much anything with sugar sprinkled on top). Henceforth referred to as: Fatso.

Risk Legacy 2

The game was preceded by some severe argy-bargy as the pre-game faction power and territory resource distribution was hampered by half of the combatants having failed to read the rules. After a long stint of reading them in a loud voice over the general hubbub, I gave up and thought: Fuck ‘em. If they can’t be arsed listening then we’ll just allocate faction powers randomly and I’ll know what the powers do and get the best one.

Typically, I came last in the dice-off to choose factions and ended up with the goons with just one leg with a square wheel on the end.

Fucks sake.

Turn order and choice of Factions/Starting Territories.

Will: Die Mechaniker; big fighty robots with bazookas. Power: A defence roll of two natural 6s means the territory cannot be attacked again for the rest of the turn. Starting Territory: North Europe.

Darren: Saharan Republic; slinky Amazonians with big guns. Power: Manoeuvres can be between any territories controlled, even unconnected ones. Starting Territory: Western United States.

Martin: Khan Industries; giant shiny mechs with lasers. Power: At turn start, place a troop wherever you control a HQ. Starting Territory: China.

Zanfus: Imperial Balkania; faceless battleclones and big tanks. Power: Round up territory and population when recruiting troops. Starting Territory: Eastern Australia.

Me: Enclave of the Bear; old men with walking sticks and beards. Power: Attack roll of 3 of a kind plus a defeated defender = auto battle victory. Starting Territory: Venezuela.

Risk Legacy 3By now our shouting arguments had attracted a large crowd of spectators who derided us all for playing Risk. Alex appointed himself official United Nations Observer and nearly got a laugh the third time he used his “you’re putting troops into Venezuela? That idea is Caracas” joke.


Turn one consisted of expansion into surrounding territories. It was only in turn two that Zanfus decided to pile into South East Asia… and got absolutely pounded by Martin’s troops for his troubles. I spread myself thinly through Africa, knowing that Madagascar was on the board and it was worth two resources.

Turn three saw Zanfus take China, Martin’s HQ, courtesy of a scar Will played there lowering the defence value of the territory. This left Zan just one HQ/Red Star short of victory.

By now, the spectators were riotous at the mayhem and carnage afflicting this new world. Apparently Risk is the game that all the cool kids play all of a sudden.

Turn four, Will decided to pile all of his troops in Spain and set off on a jaunt through Africa and South America by virtue of a bunch of mega flukey dice rolls to all but wipe out my faction, stopping just short of my HQ.

Darren, stockpiling his troops in Central America smelled blood and invaded Venezuela, but I played a scar increasing the first defence die roll and he dashed his troops against the granite fortress to little avail.

Again and again he dashed, but the dice were against him, and the other great leaders questioned the wisdom of sending so many troops to their deaths. Darren shrugged his shoulders as he stared sullenly at the board.

He had a right royal monk on.

Risk Legacy Japan Ripped CardThere was little time to mourn the thousands of troops King Darren sent to their deaths just because he was being a grumpy-pants; Martin was busy taking back China from Zanfus. An epic battle saw the Khan Industries territories too thinly defended and ripe for a raiding. Meanwhile, I expanded out from Venezuela, driving back Will’s filthy robots to re-capture Argentina and the two valuable resource points it contained.

At this point, the so-called neutral UN observer in the shape of Alex casually pointed out to Will that Venezuela and China were poorly defended due to the recent conflicts taking place within them, so Will massed his troops in Brazil and Russia and swooped down upon both HQ’s to win the game.

Rather than take his reward in naming a continent or founding a major city to give him future bonuses, he rewarded himself by leaning forward, taking a territory card at random from the top of the deck, ripping it into smithereens and hurling it into the air, his belly wobbling in orgasmic glee as the fragments of Japan rained down upon the map, forever making it a wasteland.

What a dick.


One Comment to “Risk: Legacy. The Founding of a New Earth (spoiler free).”

  1. the best bit about the game was there was very little to do with Risk (an obvious plus)

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